by Deborah Sirois

This is the first time I have ever written this down, or shared my whole testimony.

This is the last step for complete healing and restoration. Lord, give me the strength to write this with your love, grace, and gentleness.

May 1975

I was 15 years old and driving myself and a few other friends to Plan Parenting. We were told we could get free birth control there, and our parents wouldn’t have to know.

When it was my turn to be interviewed by the counselor, she asked when my last period was.  I told her it had been a couple of months. A pregnancy test was done. It was positive. Wow! What do I do?

When I went home I told my mother and she said, "You’re getting an abortion."

Things moved fast after that, because I was so far along, it had to be done before the next week was up. You see I was ending my 1^st trimester and in 1975 abortions couldn’t be done after that.

The drive to the clinic was about 3 ½ hours from our home. I lay on the back seat very nauseous, hoping I wasn’t going to be sick, and knowing that on the way back home I would be a different person.

When we arrived at the clinic, I was taken to a room, where they examined me. Yes, I was definitely pregnant and they told me not to worry as it would soon be over.

While lying on the table, I was thinking, “I can’t do this! This is not right!” But I couldn’t get myself to say those words. I didn’t want to anger my parents. We had driven almost 4 hours to get there, so, quietly under light sedation. I was told, “You won’t feel a thing.” While my baby was being surgical removed, I felt the whole thing--the pulling, the cramping and the pain.

Afterward, while lying on a cot in a small room, all I could do was cry. I knew what I had done was wrong. This was my baby--now gone.

The nurse came in and said," What’s wrong? You should be happy now, your problem is over." Little did she understand.

In my heart I knew that a part of me had died that day. Physically, mentally, and most of all spiritually!

After that, life for me took a drastic turn. I had let myself down. It was hard facing myself. I started drinking, smoking marijuana. I needed to numb the pain. I started looking for love in all the wrong places, trying to find love with different men. This went on for several years. My life became empty. I was working in a bar, drinking there and I was going no where fast. I’d drink to the point of not knowing what I was doing. This was scary because I use to drive in that state of mind.

You see I didn’t even know I was suicidal. I nearly took my life one night with my car. It was snowing, the roads were very slippery. There is a very sharp curve in the road not far from my house. I was driving too fast and my car went out of control. I plowed into the snow bank on the opposite side of the road, however I walked out uninjured.

Not too long after that I moved to Connecticut where I meet the man who would become my husband. Things went well for a while as I was working and my drinking stopped to only weekends, but still something was not right. My heart was not whole, my being wasn’t whole. But I buried it a little deeper and go on. Hoping some day, the pain in my heart would stop.

When my husband and I decided to start a family, I got off the birth control pill.

With my first pregnancy I spotted for the first 3 months. Then the spotting stopped. We thought all was well. Little did we know that the pregnancy was a tubule. I was just finishing my 1^st trimester when the tube ruptured. I nearly lost my life with that pregnancy.

This was devastating!

I was sure that God was punishing me. I was telling myself, "That will teach you to try and have a child when you aborted one. Did you expect to be able to have more?" I was living in my own hell. I never spoke these words to my husband. How could he understand?

A year later I found out I was pregnant. At 7 weeks I had a miscarriage. I was sad, but not as devastated as with the prior pregnancy.

Six months later I was pregnant again. This time the pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. By now I felt nothing. I knew I was getting my just reward. I was numb.

Finally after several more months I got pregnant for the 4^th time. I spotted until the end of my 1^st trimester. Then all was well! My daughter was born 3 weeks early, but she was a healthy baby. Two years and 26 days later I had my son. He was born 4 weeks early. I spotted with this pregnancy too, and I had gestational diabetes. With both my pregnancies I had to have C-sections. I feel these complications were all due to the abortion.

January 3^rd 1988, I asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins. Just like that the Lord forgives.

At that point I had two lovely children, a loving husband. I’ was attending church faithfully and going to bible studies, prayer meeting, but still something was not right. Even with God in my life.

I couldn’t let go. I was getting to the point where I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I started drinking again. Nothing was making me happy.

That was when I started volunteering at the Crisis Pregnancy Center, thinking I could help out over there. I was the one who ended up getting the help. You see god forgave this sinner, but I couldn’t forgive myself. With the help from Deborah Laws, at the CPC I went through some intense counseling. I was so messed up.

At one point when I couldn’t take the pain any more, God gave me a vision.  He showed me that while I was having the abortion. I was sitting in the lap of Jesus. Jesus was holding me. He was holding tight. With tears rolling down His cheeks, He rocked me, back and forth, back and forth.

What a love! God’s unconditional love! God’s grace is unlimited, even in the mist of sin. Lord, I’m amazed by you and how you love me.

My prayer for hurting post-abortive women that read this testimony is that they would know that they too can find healing in the darkest hours.

Isaiah 43:18 &19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

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